February, 1999

Pinky is getting sicker and sicker.  She is going to die any day now.  I feel it.  All we can do is give her love and comfort.

I worked all day which I need to do. My mom is coming from Florida soon to celebrate our birthdays.  (mother, brother, Alexi and me). I need to get my bills in order and give her a nice present for her birthday.  I promised to take her out nicely.  Also Alexi wants a party and I want to get her a computer.  It’s just overwhelming sometimes.  Weight is creeping up–I hate that. Helped a man in Mahwah, which made me feel good as he is a terrible pessimist and I get him to a further point each time I try to teach him anything on the computer.  But He fights me with it all the way.  This time we actually moved the computer to a different location and then helped him to browse the Internet and get on his new business program.  We even spoke about the stock market. He wants to get into commodities which in my estimation is a big crap shoot.  But typical of depressive, pessimistic types he goes after something that is probably a no win situation.  So that he can say he is a loser. How sad.

Good new LG is coming home on Friday night and we are going out on Saturday night.  He is so great and smart I love being with him. Of course he caught me with   machine full.  He always does, but I explained that I do have caller ID and therefore no calls actually get away from me. Also I lost my parking ticket case and have to pay fifty bucks. That’s most annoying, the judge did not even catch what I was trying to say and I sent nine pictures along with my explanation.  OH well I have learned that fighting some situations are only going to take a lot of time and accuse anxiety and probably isn’t worth  it.  I gave it my best shot.  that’s all I can do.

Oh, Oh.  I should never have weighed myself! I am in a state of panic.  128 pounds, just the  sound of it hurts me.  Now what will I do? Other than this bit of panic news there is not much to say except that I had better do something about it quick.  I don’t want LG to see me this fat although I do cover it up nicely.  It only leads to 129 and then to a critical point.  Can’t go there. I have too many problems to get mired in depression. Got to go–have a job at 11 A.M.

Life is looking better.  I decided that looking like shit was not going to do it for me. So I took a scissor and trimmed my hair, pretty good job if I say so myself. I also worked today for RD’s daughter who is very sweet. I really like her a lot.  How she manages with three children  all five and under I don’t know.  But she only paid me for one houra nd I didn’t want to say anything about the fact that it was really two hours.

I am painting my bathroom red, black and gold.  Taken fr0m a picture I saw in House Beautiful. I think that was the magazine.  Anyway it is dramatic and pretty neat.  Not finished yet though.  Hopefully I will finish tonight or tomorrow.  Maybe.

I woke up at 2:47 A.M. My eyes felt wet and I sat up in bed.  First feeling Pinky’s thin body to see if she is still alive.  Thankfully she is, but I know it’s not for too long.  I’m glad she’s home with us and I’ve made peace with her dying at home.  The weather report said there would be winds up to forty miles per hour and I already heard it shrieking outside my window.  My eyes were still wet and although I was not crying ,  tears were streaming down my face.

The wind sounded terrible it began to stir up the trees behind my house.  I heard it outside my door and it felt as though it was coming under the door and into my home.  I could imagine it gathering up strength then slowly whistling its way inside, like a ghost slithering through the cracks.  My eyes are still wet, but I don’t want to cry, although I have a lot I can cry about.

It’s 3:07 A.M. I chose to do something useful and get out of bed and naturally go to the comfort of my computer.  Chubby my sweet little kitty follows me and purrs trying to comfort me also by sitting on my lap.  I have so much to think about.  Yesterday my horoscope said today is as good as it gets and that truly scared me.  If that was as good as it gets than I know I am in trouble.  The stock market is down again.  Alexi needs a math tutor, Nicole isn’t happy and my bills are piling up.  Although I did make $180 at a computer tutoring session, it’s just a drop in the bucket.

Today’s horoscope is very telling.  Jonathan Cainer the horoscope guru is the best.  It’s as though everything he writes is directed at me personally.  I’m going to write down today’s Aquarius, it’s so spooky. “While you wait for the fairy with the magic want too turn up, see how much magic of your own you can muster.  Somewhere in your world now, there is a situation you’re keen to improve.  You can only see a long, hard road to travel down.  No wonder you are reluctant to embark on the journey and keen to keep your eyes out for a miraculous solution.  You should find though, if you actually decide to go ff down it, that the path is much easier and more enjoyable to go down than you ever expected it to be.

It could only be about selling my house and moving, But I am so terrified of moving that I am paralyzed by the thought of it.  I don’t know where to begin.  If I go I want to go in style, not in defeat .  Should I move to France, or the Hamptons?  A small apartment in my town? I need  my space, the trees, the grass, a garden.  All my belongings have  meaning, a history of my life.  What will I do with everything.  What about LG he is a part of my life now.  I will miss him so if I go.  And Alexi and her friends, her basketball, her wonderful school.  I can’t leave Nicole she will have to come with me.  I know she will.  She has to.  I need to know that she is near me.  My mother will come with me also.  I need her close by too.  Florida is too far anyway.  But my horoscope says that my path is easier than I think and even enjoyable.  I know everything will work out somehow.  It has to.  I believe too much in God to think otherwise.  See I feel better already.  Now I will try and fix the damn comments page.

LG is back!. Thank God I have a baby sitter at call, because I never know if I am going out or not, but I am very happy that he is back.  I wonder why he didn’t call me on Friday when he actually came back, though? I couldn’t have seen him anyway as Alexi had a basket ball practice that night, but still…

There is no life with this dumb basket ball and the traveling game coach never lets her play.  But she loves being on the team and that is what counts.  LG and I had a very enjoyable evening, we ate in a little local restaurant.  I had a great meal and then we went back to his place and watched television.  Alexi went to the movies and came home the same time as I did.

More to come

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