January 1999 After My Husband Died

No work today.  I don’t care. It seems I’d rather just clean my house and work on my web page.  I feel that if I take care of my house as best as I can then God will let me find a way to keep it.  Sounds good on paper.  Hope it works .  Not much to write about.  Maybe it’s better that way.

My great “Pal Buddy” and truly dear friend plus, LG is going into Valley Hospital for a hernia operation.  I want to be there for him, even though his daughter LGF is taking him.  He is very kind to me and I care deeply for him and enjoy her company so it is no chore at all.  To bad it’s the worse weather we have had all year.  There is snow, rain, and freezing ice falling, but I have a four wheel drive jeep and feel confident: sort of. The operation goes well and I am home around 9:00 P.M. Alexi stayed by a friend.  I’m glad it ended up with the schools closing as she would have been bored staying home with me anyway.  I guess it all worked out well.  Thankfully.

Last night my daughter had a sleepover.  I was all alone in the house and had a craving for tuna fish salad.  I took out the carrots (to help? my eyesight) lite mayo and a few stalks of celery including the leaves and cuisinarted it to pieces.  Then the ratio of tuna to veggies was out of proportion, so I added another can of tuna and a  few more tablespoons of lite mayo. It was great and I began to happily eat a few bites until I realized it needed something . I ran around looking for crackers, and proceeded to scoop the tuna methodically on each cracker and gulp it down until I went through the box of crackers.  I think they were Carrs Salt Water Crackers.  Very Good.  Then I took a piece of potato bread toasted it and continued to eat the rest of the tuna salad until my stomach started to stretch out of proportion and began to hang over my pants (not really). Mind you I weigh 122 on a good day and 131 on the worst.  I am at 125 at the moment, because of the food left over from my late husbands memorial service.  I continued eating until I began to get a stomach ache which was at the point where only a large tablespoon of tuna was left anyway.  What I’m going to do with a large tablespoon of tuna sitting and smelling up my refrigerator? I think to myself. I have no idea.  The phone rings and I polish off the last tablespoon, while I’m on the phone.  I hate a messy refrigerator.  More calories which I’m never going to remember and savor eating anyway.  My body will for sure.

EARLY A.M.

I wake up thinking about chopped foods.  Does anyone realize how much more they eat if the food is chopped? Think about it.  In chopped salad: the new thing (well about two years new) everything is reduced to a medium sized ball in a big plate.  It’s probably mostly made up of a head of lettuce, and fortunately lettuce is non evasive (meaning low calorie in this case). But if you think mashed potatoes.  There could probably be a few potatoes just in one serving. It’s something to think about.  When there is nothing better on one’s mind.  meanwhile I love chopped foods as it brings me back to my childhood (think puree) and nourishment.  Gotta go. Alexi’s basketball games starts at 9:45.P.M.

Martin Luther King Day.  My diet is for shit. I ate Indian food yesterday and today.  The Jets lost. What a bummer. Rainy and boring.  The telephone company shut off my long distance service My check is on month late.  I’m furious, but calling does nothing. They won’t put it back on until they receive their money.  It’s in the mail, but they don’t care until they see it.  I am devastated and trying not to think about it.  Also I will try not to weigh myself.  Why compound a pretty miserable day into an extremely miserable day.  My second job for tomorrow just got canceled.  Is it Eli trying to hurt me or the Feng Shui mirror or just Life?  Tomorrow will be a better day .  It has to be.

January, 1999

I refuse to weigh myself.  I feel like Samson when his hair was cut; weak and vulnerable.  But instead yesterday became another Indian food fest, from breakfast through to dinner and my stomach feels like a big Delhi Belly.  Two more jobs canceled on me this morning, my phone still doesn’t work and my daughter ended up home from school with either a bad cold or the flu.  I didn’t sleep half the night thinking that my twelve year old cat, Pinky and if she was going to die and how would I bury her in the cold frozen ground.  Also what if she died on my bed next to me.  Hope the rest of the day gets better.  LG calls around 9:30 P.M.  I can’t hear him and have to call back, but I don’t have my long distance service yet.  I try NC’s phone but that’s not working.  The phone didn’t charge and so in my underwear I go down to my car and call LG back on my cell phone.  This is ridiculous but that’s what happens when you pay late I guess.  I think I will switch companies when I get my phone back.

Much better day.  I spend it with my dearest friend RD.  I met her while working as a computer teacher and she is the best thing that has happened to me during this new life of mine.  It’s the reason I believe so much in God. I would never have met RD or her great husband and the rest of her family if I wasn’t in the situation I’m in.  Anyway we moved furniture, and hung or supervised the hanging of some pictures.  One of my favorite non thinking past time  is moving furniture. We ate lunch and sat in her garden room and chatted with her husband and when he left we continued to chat alone.  I called the phone company and they received my check.  The man told me my long distance service would be restored in two to four hours.  it was just a great day.

My appointment with the veterinarian has finally come.  I am sad to say that I think Pinky has cancer.  She has all the symptoms. Sure enough.  I bring her in and the vet asks me to leave her, she’s dehydrated, weak and generally in a state of malaise.  I leave the office hysterical.   The girl at the desk gives me a bunch of tissues.  i get a call from the vet later in the day.  It’s either inhalation of ammonia or some other household cleanser.  But I know it couldn’t be any of those things.  I’m not the greatest home cleaner at my best of times and at most times I don’t get that involved to be using heavy duty cleansers.  The other possibility she mentioned was that it may be cancer.  I knew it, before she told me, but that doesn’t make it any easier.  The vet asks me to let her try to make her better at least more comfortable.  She promises not to charge me too much for this.  She just wants the chance to try.  I let her keep Pinky for the weekend.  I can not make the decision to have her put to sleep.  Thankfully the week is over.  For some reason my long distance service is till not working. It’s been a pretty bad weak.  I wonder if it will get worse next week.  I think it will get better.  I have major hope.

Did you ever move your scale all around the room until you weighed less?  Well I do that, but only when I would rather see a lower weight.  There is no point when I’m happy with what I weigh, than I just leave well enough and the scale alone.  Did you ever wonder if everyone does this type of thing?  I wonder about what other people wonder about a lot because it’s reassuring to think that maybe you’re not nuts, or weird or a little off.  Like you think you might be when you find yourself doing odd things.

I did that today with my scale, the moving business.  The sad part was I should have left well enough alone because I weighed 124.5 from the onset and that should have been good enough for me considering what I have been consuming the last few days. But it wasn’t and now I weigh 125.  I guess that’s just life. You know what if that’s what life is than I guess I can’t complain.  So I wont.

Alexi and I were supposed to meet RD after her basketball game.  We did and had a great day.  I admire her tremendously as she is not only a truly wonderful and inspiring person she is very savvy money wise.  But today was a purely women shopping day and we did very well.  That means I didn’t spend any money.  We went to the upscale Riverside mall near our town and RD bought a bunch of stuff which I carried.  She has  a bad knee and I feel that carrying is a form of weight lifting and so I enjoy doing it.  Then we went to eat at Bloomingdales.  It was okay but I don’t really love sit down lunches.  We spend an awful lot of time doing nothing and never accomplished what we were supposed to which was bring my jewelry to a jeweler friend of hers and maybe sell some things.  I guess it wasn’t meant to be with the jewelry.  I called the phone company to find out what the problem with my phone is now.

They are having line trouble and my phone will not be restored for two to three more days.  It is too much trouble to fight and what’s the use anyway.  I hang up and try to forget about it.  I have managed to cope without long distance service.

Saturday night I went out with LG.  Had to race to get there on time but I made it.  There wasn’t much traffic as it was lousy out.  More tomorrow.

Major home cleaning morning.  Disgusting rain and fog and Alexi and I have to drive to my breeder in Connecticut to get Alexi’s cat PJ who is hopefully now a pregnant cat.  We had to do this I owe the breeder a kitten (long complicated and boring story) also because when PJ is pregnant she is content and doesn’t pee all over my house.  It’s a lesser of two evils-pregnancy. I’d rather her have kittens than pee on my rug.

Saturday night was very enjoyable.  I saw my great “Pal” LG and we went out with his daughter.  We ended up at Michael Jordan’s restaurant in Grand Central Station.  The food was good, steakhouse style and I enjoyed it as I haven’t ordered a steak in at least two years and thankfully it was  a good one.  Aside form the restaurant, it was worth going there just to see the fabulous Grand Central Station restoration job.  The golden green ceiling with  it’s depiction of astrological animal symbols and twinkling stars is just spectacular.  I love the way certain stars are lit up with bulbs to make them shine so brightly.  Thank you LGF for sharing that treat with me and thank you LG for an even brighter evening.  We had a game on when Grand Central was built and LGF won.  It was 1911.  Gotta Go. The Golden Globe awards are coming on soon. and I have to get my horoscope before I get into bed.  make some pop corn and publish this new stuff before I can get into bed and relax.

I thought the show was great, but everyone else hated it.  It’s funny but when I think back everyone always seems to hate these shows. It’s a wonder they are so popular if everyone hates them, but maybe that’s why they are so popular.  Can’t figure out people. Won’t try to.

First I worked for RD all day with her new Laptop that proves to be a lemon.  It wasn’t loaded with Windows 98 and therefore did not have any programs installed. The technician came by taxi with a new one and was still trying to make it work when I left to pick up Alexi and race home to get ready for the opera with LG.  I wore my Armani tuxedo (the obsession with my weight paid off) I put it on (it’s four years old) and it fits like the day I bought it.  I ran around the house with 15 minutes to get dressed, comb my hair and freshen up my make up looking for the right shirt to wear under it.  Finally after flinging about four of the wrong shirts around, trying on, no good, taking off quickly, trying another, no good, taking off quickly, until I found the one that went with it, but then could not find the cuff link that attaches the collar together.  A brainstorm hit and I put a little fake diamond stud, that I got free from a Bloomingdale’s promotion, in the top button hole and it was perfect. I stuck my feet into my high heels, fluffed up my hair and was on my way.  Arriving about fifteen minutes early.

Nicole was going to watch Alexi after her traveling basketball game which I am not guilty for missing.  I am a great mother I think. Once in a while I am allowed to indulge myself in something equal to a fairy tale.  The Opera is a fairy tale spectacle.  Simone Boccanegra was being shown for the first time and it was brilliant.  The sets were unbelievable, the costumes were more than beautiful and Placido Domingo was singing along with other really fine singers.  It was impossible not to have a dreamy, wonderful time when you’re being transported into another world.  One with no cares and no worries.  The Metropolitan Opera House with it’s soaring ceilings and those floating chandeliers that disappear as the lights go down and the curtain goes up and all those people dressed so splendidly turned their attention to the stage.

Then there’s the restaurant with the Chagall wall hanging and it’s surprisingly great food.  I had a perfect veal chop, a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and Creme Brulee for dessert.  Everyone else’s meal was perfect as well. LG”s seats are in the third row center.  He has season seats for the Monday night series.  During intermission we go to the special room for patrons and have coffee or tea.  I got home at 12:20 A.M. where reality hits fast.  Nicole is angry at the late time.  I told her I would be late, but it’s done and I kissed her goodnight and get into bed.  I don’t fall asleep until 1:00 A.M. Thank you LG for making my life so special.

RD called me at 6:36 A.M. to make sure I was coming back to her house before 8:00 A.M.  The technician had screwed up her new (second) computer. They were going to bring her a third one and she had to cancel her trip to wait for it to come.  To make a long story short she ended up with three lap tops all of them a problem.  Finally the technician was making me nuts and I walked out of the room for a minute and came back to see him on AOL with his own screen name that had become embedded in RD’s computer and took one hour to get it off and her name back on.  Finally we made him leave after he destroyed her original desk top computer and I had to go to Staples to buy a new keyboard and install it.  They invited Alexi and I for dinner and I actually said yes. I never do that usually.

i had two glasses of white wine and was finally able to relax . I will miss her a lot when she is away.  Alexi and I had to leave dinner early as she had a basketball game at 8:45 P.M. that evening.  I didn’t care as I was feeling no pain.  Alexi’s team won by around 10 points.  We went to bed exhausted from a very long day.

I get a phone call from a collection agency about my phone bill.  I tell them it’s all taken care of and as usual they were extremely nasty.  I called A T & T and they not only apologized but they told me about a special deal they were having which made all calls ten cents a minute all across the USA and five cents on Sundays.  I grabbed it. All’s well that ends well once again.  I go to the vet to pick up my Pinky who is a very sick cat.  I dropped $400 dollars for the charges even though I asked them not to let it go so far that it would cost me an arm and a leg. I guess arms and leg prices are relative to different people  They did not take Amex and I had to take the money out of an envelope I was going to pay a bill with.  Oh well easy come easy go.  I went home to watch for my cat to die.  I was able to call LG with no problem as my phone is finally working fine.  He is leaving tomorrow morning for Florida but is going to be back before my birthday.  I am happy about that.

One of my favorite computer training customers is scheduled for 9:30 A.M.  He is not only a nice man, but he usually takes three to four hours of my time.  With Pinky taking over my expenses I need the money more than ever.  I forgot to bring my glasses though and had to do a lot of technical reading and ended up with  a headache.  I found out that his labeling program was corrupted and offered to take the work home and do it on my computer.  He insisted on paying me for the three hours that i was there anyway.  It was the least that I could do.

I went home and was able to do his work and then tried to work on my web page but my headache was getting worse and I thought that if I ate something I would feel better. I grabbed a bunch of leftovers and sprinkled hot Indian curry sauce over it all and ate.  Before I knew it I had to pick Alexi up at school and go to another job with her.  At the job I suddenly felt faint and nauseous and knew that a migraine was coming on.  I had no choice but to push myself and did, but I really thought I might keep over.  I knew that if I didn’t leave that house quickly I would throw up, pass out of both.  I told the people (my gardeners parents and a job I was bartering for my gardening bill) that they were doing a great job and that if they finished a few more things I would be able to update it all easily.  I asked if it would be all right to come back on Sunday.  Thankfully they said yes and I managed to get out of there, my migraine getting to a critical stage where I could barely focus and lights were making me dizzy. I thought I would never be able to drive home and I’m sure I scared Alexi but I couldn’t help it.

I was so scared I would have to pull over and just lay down in the car and close my eyes.  I made it home and got into bed with three covers over me and all the  lights out including the TV.  Alexi called Nicole and she came over immediately and helped a lot.  She did insist on putting this peppermint smelling stuff all over my head and around my nose.  I thought I might be sick but was too weak to protest.  Than she gave my feet a reflexology session and I was too week to tell her that my feet felt as if they might dislodge form the ankles down.  I begged for some migraine medicine and she gave me two although I asked for one.  She insisted I take two, but even in my sickness I through one under my pillow and took the one, falling soon after into a swooning deep sleep.

I woke up at  8 at night feeling a little hungry and much better.  Thankfully tomorrow I don’t have any work at all.  Except bringing my home work back to the Thursday job.

Things are not going well as I thought they might.  MY stomach still hurts and I can not print my home work as it keeps on getting a paper jam.  I have one of my brainstorms and go with the proof sheet to Staples and they photo copy the work a d off I go to deliver my stuff to a very thankful client.  I make the mistake of going to the mail where I get shot down on two returns I do not have receipts for. I take them back with me and go home to work on my web page.

Two basketball games for Alexi.  We slaughtered the opposing team on the first game, on the second the other team never showed up.  What a waste of time.  One of the mothers has a problem with her daughter. She’s bulimic.  She started to cry when she told me and naturally so did I.  Since we were both crying I think it helped.  That and the fact that I had a mild case of bulimia most of my life.  Just not to the degree that I ended up in the hospital, but my mother did have her share of grief when I was growing up. that’s for sure.

I think at least 60 % of teenagers and young women have eating disorders of one kind or another.  it just shows up in many different forms and varieties during this time of their lives.  If you can control how you manage to keep your weight where you want it than society never notices, but if you over do it than there is a problem  Unfortunately this case ended up in the hospital after about six weeks of throwing up. It’s the society we live in.  Thin is in. I Hope she can learn to control it like I did.  I never went far without Ex lax or six hundred calorie day self imposed diets or eating only protein for years on end.  As a matter of fact I  am feeling panicky at this moment as my weight is starting to creep up a little to fast.

Talking about weight, Alexi and I went out with HF and the kids to East a great Japanese restaurant and then saw a movie.  I told him that if he wanted our company he would have to pay as I really don’t have money for things like Japanese restaurants and movies . He was very good about it, but then ran out of money for the movies and I paid for the popcorn and soda, which these days cost more than the movie ticket.  When the hell did that happen? When did movies become an expensive night out?  No inflation? Yeah right!.

Can’t make my discussion page work.  Will try again tomorrow it’s midnight and I’m tired.

Where do I get the nerve to help another person with an eating disorder I am really worried about my own weight at 127–a scary level.  I will watch myself today I  have to.  At 128 and up I go into a defeatist depressed situation.  Alexi’s good friend Hallie slept over.  We are going to a flea market today after Hebrew School.  If HF and the kids want to go it’s okay, but he just called to tell me that his son is sick–when did that happen, he was fine when we left them last night. HF came over and asked Hallie if she wanted to go with us, which was fine  with Alexi and me and so she did.  We were meeting Nicole on Columbus Avenue.  It was brutally cold though around 19 degrees.  Luckily HF gave me $30 for Hallie as I wouldn’t have been able to take m to eat if he didn’t.

We had a great time with Nicole and Mitch and then while driving around we decided to see if  Mars 2112 was crowded.  (The 30 bucks was burning a hole in my pocket). It wasn’t crowded, we managed to get a metered spot right across the street and we breezed right in, got a table immediately with a great view of the pre-Super Bowl on this gigantic TV screen and checked the place out.  Food wasn’t too great, but the kids loved it.  I couldn’t watch my weight as well as I would have like to and the food was shitty. But we all had a great time.

We left before the game; brought Hallie home and Alexi and I got into bed to watch the game which was pretty boring.  We both fell asleep before 9 at night. A few phone calls woke me but I went right back to sleep.  Remembering that the new gardener’s parents called to tell me that they screwed up their computer totally. I said I would be over on Monday an  not to touch anything else at all.  Not a bad day at all.

Good news LG is coming home on Friday night and we are going out on Saturday night.  He is so great and smart I love being with him.  Of course he caught me with my tape machine full.  He always does, but I explained that I do have caller  ID and therefore no calls actually get away from me.  Also I lost my parking ticket case and have to pay fifty bucks.  That’s the most annoying, the judge did not even catch what I was trying to say and I sent nine pictures along with my explanation. Oh well I have learned that fighting some situations are only going to take a lot of time and cause anxiety and probably not work it.  I gave it my best shot. That’s all I can do.

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